Ok fam. Here it is. Valentine’s Day. Also known as Valentimes Day if you happen to watch Big Mouth and if you don’t you should, it’s hilarious. Anyway. I generally consider myself a cynic at worst and a realist at best, so when it comes to Valentine’s Day I’m part of the group of people that’s like “f that” and I end up buying myself chocolate and rose and maybe having a “Galentine’s” brunch or dinner or something. This year I’m hoping to celebrate it with my best friend but it’s been ridiculously snowy where I live and I’m not confident that I’ll be able to drive to where she lives. I will at least try though. I’m going on a tangent. I’m not particularly sure I had a reason I told you all of this.
Right, ok I remember now. I’ve been trying to think of cute ideas for a Valentine’s Day post, but at the end of the day I want to stay true to myself. I’m not into Valentine’s Day at all, so I’ve been searching the internet for ideas on posts I can do celebrating Valentine’s Day while not really celebrating it at all. Then I came across some posts where people are doing f*ck, marry, kill… well they’re calling it “kiss, marry, kill” but tbh that’s less fun for me so I’m choosing to do f*ck, marry, kill – bOoK eDiTiOn. At least I’m slightly censoring myself…
In order to make this as random as possible I made a list of book characters and then called my sister and had her choose random numbers to determine the characters per round. She helped me with some of the characters, mainly the weirder ones, and I tried to make it relatively diverse. Like with protagonists, antagonists, secondary characters, male and female characters, whatever. Also, I feel like this is obvious but if they’re not 18 or older in canon we’re pretending they are, otherwise that’s nasty… with any of the outcomes.
I feel like I’m in high school again but whatever, let’s do this shit.
❤️ Round 1❤️
Draco (Harry Potter) – f*ck
He’s not a great person but he’s not a terrible person either. Also, I’m imagining him as either Tom Felton or this drawing because I can lol. Anyway, out of these three I’d definitely not marry him but he eventually redeems himself so I wouldn’t kill him either. Also he’s too hot for that.
Inej (Six of Crows) – marry
She’s been through too much to do anything but marry her. Also she’s badass and it would be great to brag about having a badass wife ya know?
Count Olaf (Series of Unfortunate Events) – kill
Do I really need to say anything about this? He literally tries to murder a baby in the series.
❤️ Round 2❤️
Captain Hook (Peter Pan) – f*ck
Pirates are hot. That’s really all I have to say about that. I’ve never read Peter Pan but I’d like to imagine that he doesn’t look like how he looks in the movie.
Voldy-moldy (Harry Potter) – kill
Obviously, I would kill him. Unless it’s Voldemort as Tom Riddle, particularly Chamber of Secrets Tom Riddle. I really don’t think I have to explain why. But I’d probs kill him after… so I would still kill him and it still counts as kill.
Rhysand (ACOMAF in particular) – marry
He’s amazing. Before him I think the last book character I had a crush on was Percy Jackson, and that was a long ass time ago. And I don’t particularly care about Feyre or their relationship so I’d totally be fine with screwing that up. (I would like to mention that I would literally never do that irl, I’m not an asshole)
❤️ Round 3❤️
by Youn-Kyung Kim 
by Vvivaa 
by HetteMaudit
Carlisle Cullen (Twilight) – kill
Oooooh look at that alliteration. Even though we both have names that use alliteration I think I would have to kill him. Mainly because I love Harry too much, but also because I don’t really care about any character from Twilight at this point. I’d have to have mad skills to kill him though. Also I feel like I’d not be into the whole fact that they’re super cold. I’d prefer someone who’s too hot over someone who’s cold.
Harry (Harry Potter) – f*ck… but I don’t want to do that lol, so Imma go with kiss for this one
… I’m mainly doing this because I didn’t want to kill him.
Fred & George (Harry Potter) – marry
As I liked to say in high school, polygamy is in. Though in this case it would be polyandry rather than polygyny because I would have multiple husbands. And obviously in this scenario nobody is dead because that’s too sad. They’d be a riot to even be friends with, so I’m imagining marriage with them would just be an extended friendship haha.
❤️ Round 4❤️
by black bird ink 
by snarbs 
by leabharlann
Sarai (Strange the Dreamer) – kill
I feel terrible about this. I just couldn’t kill either of the other two, I’m too invested in both of them. Also, Minya could bring her back so I feel less bad about her than I would about killing the other two.
Mr. Darcy (Price and Prejudice) – marry
I feel like I’m relatively similar to Elizabeth (as most people do lol), and I’m, though I hate to admit it, probably as judgmental as she is. I’m working on that. Regardless, I feel like Darcy and I would have a pretty great marriage except for the fact that I’m not great at banter, which he seems to enjoy.
Raisa (Seven Realms series) – f*ck
Idk she’d be fun. I love her and Han though so I’d want to intrude on that as little as possible. I think I would probably just want to be friends with her.
❤️ Round 5 ❤️
Calcifer (Howl’s Moving Castle) – marry
Who wouldn’t want to marry a “powerful fire demon” as he likes to describe himself??? Also, he’s hilarious and he would keep our house warm which is all I want in marriage.
Peeves (Harry Potter) – kill
I genuinely don’t think I could handle doing anything but this to/with him. Though as a poltergeist, is he already dead? I feel like that was never really made clear in the books.
Howl (Howl’s Moving Castle) – f*ck
Ok, here’s the thing. I absolutely looooooove Howl with all my heart, but he is one of the most vain and flighty characters I’ve encountered. At least for part of the book. He actually describes himself as a “slither-outer” multiple times throughout the book, so I guess it’s good that he knows. But, I definitely couldn’t handle that or his whiny attitude enough to want to marry him.
So that’s that. I hope you’ve had a good Valentine’s Day! It’s snowy where I live, but since we don’t get snow a lot nobody knows how to handle it, and the streets around my apartment aren’t cleared so I’m stuck at my apartment tonight. Which is a bummer because I had plans with my best friend and now I can’t drive to her. Now I’m planning on staying home and reading, which isn’t a bad night at all.
If you’re interested in any of the artists of the illustrations I used I’ve linked their sites to their names!
❤️ Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤️
Dog-Eared Pages 